So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
