Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
