Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
