this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
