dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
