so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
