Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
