I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
