I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize