I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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