she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
