someone get that fucking seahorse.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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