Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Pooping to opera.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
