I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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