Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
