Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
