he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
