I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
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