He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
