My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's official drugs can't kill me
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Randomize
