Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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