Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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