I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He has the fingertips of a God
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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