So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
not ubering you a puppy
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
