you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
