cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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