The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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