How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
