how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
should my penis look like a turkey
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
