When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize