You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
literally had 100 drinks last night.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
