I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
