she looked like the before picture.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
