He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
