Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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