I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
