I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
