I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I stole a fireplace last night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Randomize
