just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
