Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
