i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
