God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
