Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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