i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You were trust falling into bushes
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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