remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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