i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
