She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize