I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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