whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
