I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
