You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
