Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
