Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
