You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
