I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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