Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize