Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
