it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
