If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
